What the hell happened to my Mass Effect - Early impressions

Feelings of anger and confusion.

Don't fix something that ain't broke. It's a tired old cliche saying that everyone agrees might be used too much. Well apparently it needs to be used a couple more times because it's like Bio-Ware never heard this before.

There was a general industry wide bitching about the graphics and the controls of the shooting elements in the first game. This was a bit broken and it would make sense for Bio-Ware to fix this to make the game even better and more enjoyable. What doesn't make sense is to strip the game of the deep RPG aspects and aim at a more 'action' experience.

Dear Bio-Ware please look at other successful titles out on the X-Box 360. They all have one thing in common. RPG elements win. With the surprise success (not to me) of Borderlands it is even more of a glaring mistake to take out the gear whoring aspects of the game.

And the skill developement *weep* 6 upgradable elements aren't nearly enough. What happened to gun proficiency? What happened to unlocking gun skills? Powers? Combat Training? Now I have to make a decision between do I want better attack power with more health and increased defenses or do I want better team healing? How is this even a debate thats a complete no brainer. Your causing yourself a great deal of strife if you don't improve in the best three ways possible at once. Couldn't you at least split those first three up so I can trick myself into thinking I am developing a character on a path I want.

Now for the hug in this rant. I can't say love enough times to make my statement powerful enough to express my feelings towards the inclusion of outfit customization. Any time someone suggests to add customized visuals to a game that guy gets a fucking raise. Without that guy I can't run around with my handlebar mustache and hot pink space suit. Duke Sheppard you really are a fetching fellow.

Over all I like the game. I like it through a furrowed brow and a butthurt anger that seethes every time I have to "level up" from experience I didn't earn.

I realize I am still very early in the game and have a fully prepared face diaper because there better be something here to make me shit my mind.

Bayonetta is fucking stupid

This game is to video games what Showgirls is to movies. It's terrible. It's worse than BMX XXX. But the absolute worst part about this game is that if it didn't have the preteen porn it would be amazing.

I'm sorry I can't look past the imbecilic T'n'A factor of this game. Yes the combo system is awesome. Yes the story is above average. Finally yes I do feel bad inside for playing this game.

The only reason I am playing it is because blockbuster ran out of copies of Darksiders. Also if I play on mute and skip every single dog shit cut scene I think I might be able to power through it and somehow squeeze ten dollars worth of game playing out of it.

I currently pretend I am playing another installment of Devil May Cry after all it is the same director (Hideki Kamiya) as the first Devil May Cry game. It's not that hard to visualize because the game goes so far as to have the same menu tones as devil may cry and the same combat system--which for the record is one of my favorites to date.

I am baffled that this game is getting Perfect scores all over the map. The cut screen graphics are abysmal and although the enemy design is good you end up fighting about a thousand of the same pion before you end up fighting a different one. That's the guy with the blue smock. But the cherub faced mini-bosses are a good fresh look on enemies.

The good guy character design is absolute garbage. First of all the main character Bayonetta looks like Lulu from FFX mixed with sailor moon and then jerked off all over by some 13 year old basement dweller. Then theres your two main npc companions who look like a fat Joe Pesci wearing a bowler hat and a rain slicker and Blade if he wore a suede over coat that was three sizes too small. A hint for the team in the future is how bout instead of spending an embarrassing amount of time on Bayonetta's ass you make a shop keeper who isn't a ten minute throwaway ten minute place holder.

Usually I am a fan of camp and enjoy some ridiculousness in all my entertainment. When it's thinly veiled pornography dressed up as slapstick it doesn't pass. I didn't like when Sindel hit shit with her hair and my opinion hasn't really changed since. Especially when the girls outfit is made of her magical hair that apparently looks like a PVC suit and she gets more naked the bigger her combos get.

As a gamer I have always defended playing games and insisting that it's not a mark of immaturity and games aren't built just for little boys with smelly hard-ons who can't bring themselves to talk to women in real life. Not anymore. It looks like I am going to hide this game cover for the short while it's in my possession.

Of course I have to admit that some people aren't going to have a problem with this game and that they don't see anything wrong with it but at the same time I have to admit that some people don't see anything wrong with furries and having sex dressed up as mascots.

Wanna touch me?