Open letter to the army

Hey guys a friend just blew my mind. He told me that some people believe you are secretly training the young gamer males with First Person Shooter games. Let me be the first to tell you that this is fucking awesome. I mean I thought I was just working on my gamer score and trying to unlock new camo patterns on COD4 but knowing this can be used in real life is the best thing since the red dot scope.

Now I know you guys have been trying to dehumanize war violence for years so that I will actually shoot my gun at other humans. This is awesome I read somewhere that in WW2 people only shot their gun 35% of the time when faced with a soldier of the opposite side. I think you will be very proud to know that I am at a 100% fire rate actually I'm even better than that I shoot all the time. I shoot garbage cans, lights, signs even garbage laying around the levels. Also I am a crack shoot with genitals. I have been practicing my sniper training for a while now and let me tell you I can totally camp out for half a match just for one good dick shot. Shooting some asshole in his garbage totally makes waiting FIVE WHOLE MINUTES worth ever second.

I am pretty fucking excited about joining you guys in the army you should know i am A-1-A at pwning noobs. I am totally not racist either I will totally kill anyone you want me too no matter what color. The only thing I am worried about in this respect is how does a turbin affect a head shot. I mean I want to look like a Pimp as much as the next guy so if it messes with my stats I could just as easily go for neck or heart shots.

Naturally I want to be patriotic and help you guys get your oil or whatever the fuck your over there for but I have a few questions about the war fare.

1. Are the helicopters hard to fly? I know when I am running through the jungle and I find the helicopter in the game I usually have a pretty rough take off. I used to crash all the time. I got the hang of it so now I only crash like once ever 4 times I take off. Also while were on vehicles you know how in Halo you could use the scorpion tank and shoot the turret with the left trigger but then in halo 3 you had to have a separate person use the turret and you couldn't control it that was ghey what are your tanks like.

2. How high am I going to be able to jump from without hurting myself? I've noticed in some of my training that different games have different heights before you get hurt. Like In Halo it seems like it never hurts you at all but in turok I died all the time. No problem if its either way I just got to know before hand if I am going to go scouting for good sniping spots.

3. Speaking of secret development how good are you guns? Now I'm not going to be naive here I know you wouldn't have me use a chain-saw gun if it didn't exist in real life. Like Why would you make us do useless training that would almost be a waste of time. Come on don't think I'm stupid I know you can't have a gun like in portal thats ridiculous that wasn't even a shooter was it was it a puzzle game. You wouldn't train us with puzzle games that stupid. Also in this respect what about grenades do you have the full gambit like incendiary, fragment, shock, stun, flair, ice, plasma, poison, trigger and gravity grenades I can understand if you don't want to give me something like the gravity grenade right away but I am expecting at least a poison grenade at first because I want to fight racism by turning people into the same race.... Green hahahaha get it.

4. Does some of my training carry over? I know in the games I have been playing I always have to start over but I imagine with this giant government conspiracy thing you guys have been tracking my gamer score and I should recieve my gear based on this. If that fag steve down the street gets the same shit as me even though my I have twice as many achievements I am going to shit my pants all over the place.

5. Are our mission predetermined? Do we just get orders or is it sort of a non linear sandbox system. I find that according to message boards this style of combat is a lot more popular. I mean I don't mind on track shooting and such but its way funner to just go off to the side and shoot the fuck out of some mirrors in an abandoned building. Don't get me wrong I totally will still kill whoever but its just to tempting to go destroy shit. Also If I am finding one objective too hard can I just quit and go do an easier one. I mean I don't want to throw threats around but I get pretty frustrated if I am forced to do something repeatedly and I keep dying.

6. How many lives do I get? I understand this is real life so it can't be as easy as i die and start at the checkpoint. I know you guys will have to figure out cybernetic bodies or even just download my conscience into a chip and put it into a clone. Like on rogue soldier it wasn't very popular but damn is that a good idea especially if I find other dead people and take their chips and put it in my weapons and shit. Except steve that guys a fag. I would totally just leave his dead body to rot and get raped by animals.

7. Can I customize mah shit? I know you guys being the army and all are pretty straight back but I honestly kill more people with rad designs on my guns. I don't know what it is but when I am able to change my shit and make it looks cooler I totally get waaaay more kills. I'm not talking like in army of two thats ridiculous I wouldn't want everyone paying attention to me because I have a gold and diamond rocket launcher. Juliano said it looks like a trombone anyway. I don't want to be a band nerd I want like cherry red and flames and shit. Skulls are pretty dope too and intimidating. If you have a skull painted on your shit people know not to fuck with you... just like the punisher I bet no-one tells him he needs camo.

8. What are the rations like? I know you can't please everyone but I put my vote in for Hawaiian Pizza pops. Steve like pepperoni but he's a fag anyway. We should totally just get Hawaiian ones even though they are a bit harder to find it's totally worth the effort.

9. Really what are melee attacks like out there? Is it like a but end that doesn't quite kill someone or is it just a knife that is instant kill because I gotta tell you that might be a good thing to know. If I'm in flank position and I am totally running up on a sniper (which I do all the time because I am totally BA) do I just hit him once and he's dead or do I have to like circle and tag that bitch a bunch of times. Also does it make a difference if its in his back or side or front. You guys should totally put finishers in there. Like mortal kombat ones hahaha that would impress all the ladies if I just ripped some noobs head right off.

Ok I don't want to be a chatty cathy or some lurker creep and take up all your time those are just some of the questions I have right now that I can think of off the top of my head. Just know that I am game. This will show my fag dad for not buying me a car for my birthday. He'll be so proud when I am saving the world from that mysterious culture I am too ignorant to learn about.

-signed mardahnoobinatorhitlah

F-ZERO to F-HERO friday: Best FPS Innovations

Honorable Mention
Mike - Guided Rockets (Perfect Dark, Nintendo 64)
Rocket launchers are always my favorite weapons in FPS games. I love the 0.5 seconds it takes for the rocket to reach its destination, because it's just long enough for the target to hear the noise, understand what it means, and to try desperately to escape...but it's always too late. So of course when Perfect Dark introduced the guided rockets, I had a field day. Who cares if you have to leave yourself exposed and totally vulnerable? There is almost nothing as satisfying as taking control of a guided rocket and hovering it silently in wait around a corner, and watching your opponent dash around and come face to face with looming, explosive doom. Following this up by chasing them around the level just to freak them out is just the icing on the rocket cake.


#5
Dale - Regenerating Health (COD4, Xbox 360)
It used to be I would run into the fray pepper the crowd of baddies take some hits and spend the next twenty minutes running around looking for health. Avoiding all groups and turning to guerilla tactics looping around seperating a few bad guys off and killing them quickly before more bad guys show up. I know I should play a little more carefully. Maybe no run in a spray and stick more to my guerilla tactics from the get go. But you know what thats a weekness of mine you give me a giant gun and some shit to shoot imma going to shoot it. With the invention of regenerating health ie if you stop getting shot for about 20 seconds your back to full health. I quickly took advantage of this style of play by running and gunning in stints. A stop and pop type of killing. Well a mixture of the two. Shoot like a deranged maniac, find cover pick a few off, jump out fill the area with holes.

Mike - Martyrdom (Call of Duty 4, Xbox 360))
This perk, which drops a grenade when you die, is awesome for two completely different reasons. From a statistical viewpoint it is a huge score benefit as getting kills after you die is just incredible. It's just free, bonus points. You can also kamikaze rush into a group of enemies and take them all out by sacrificing yourself. However as good as that all is it's even better because it's a giant FUCK YOU to your opponents. I have to think it was originally meant to counter the Halo jackassery known as teabagging, where when you kill someone you crouch on their face repeatedly so that all they can see is your armored Master Chief nether regions pumping up and down. But with this perk on when someone tries to teabag you all they get is a crotch full of grenadey goodness, and when you respawn you die again because you are helpless with delicious laughter.


#4
Dale - Vehicles (Halo series, Xbox, Xbox 360)
You know those old rich people who drink wine. They smell the cork, smell the wine, twirl the wine, smell the wine again, take a small sip swish it around spit it out and fully fully enjoy every aspect of the wine the tannins every little bit of that wine is enjoyed. I'm like that in Halo except its not wine its the Scorpion Tank. I'm not smelling the cork, I'm shootin. I'm not smelling the wine I'm shooting. I'm not twirling the wine I'm shooting the machine gun in 30 second bursts. I'm not smelling the wine again I'm running people over. I'm not sippin the wine I'm shooting everything EVERYTHING with that giant cannon. I enjoy every aspect of that delicious beautiful tank. I compliment the waiter and tip him with MORE CANNON FIRE. Since the tank has no tannins or subtlety of flavor i just scream with glee and shoot it more.

Mike - Killcam (Call of Duty 4, Xbox 360)
The Killcam shows you who killed you immediately after dying. To be more specific, it shows you the last five or so seconds of that player's perspective before they killed you. This can be frustrating ("He just threw a random grenade! Fuck!"), helpful ("Ohhhh THAT'S where he's hiding and sniping from!") or...downright humiliating ("Oh...he snuck up behind me, jumped up and down a few times, spun in circles, and then pulled the pin on a grenade and held it behind me until it exploded. Huh.")


#3
Dale - Learning New Abilities (Far Cry)
So you know when your playing an fps and you get bored of just shooting people. You start shooting them in the crotch or arms or even good trusty old head shots. You try to alleviate the tiresome shoot in torso till dead trance you fall in. Shooting barrels driving over with vehicles helps but it never feels as fresh and new as it once did. You have to face your relationship with your game getting stale. That is however unless there is learnable skills like far cry where you can jump 30 feet punch people so they fly 20 feet and even set up traps. That is enough foreplay to keep any murdering love affair fresh.

Mike - Teleportation (Shadowrun, Xbox 360)
I never even played this game, just the demo, but one of your abilities was a short-range teleport. Yes you heard me TELEPORTATION. You remember the movie Jumper that just came out that was about a guy who could teleport? Remember how badass Nightcrawler's fight in the White House was in X2? And how when you ask people what superpower they would teleportation is always right behind flight and invisibility? That's because teleporting is FREAKING. AWESOME. Imagine if James Bond had the ability to teleport in the movies. He would be trapped behind some old pipes by like nine russian guards with AK47s and he would just teleport behind them and plug them all in the head. This is what you could do in Shadowrun. You could also teleport up or down so you could get up to high ledges or "warp" down through solid floor to a basement below you. It was unbelievable. I cannot even imagine what a multiplayer match would be like between people who were skilled at using the teleport ability. I think my brain would fall apart.


#2
Dale - Rediculous Sci-Fi Futuristic Weapons (Turok)
You know what I was doing while people were running around re-created WW2 levels shooting some germans in dem grill pieces. Running through the mud dealing with recoil and trenches and enemies fully bunkered up. Go on guess. Give up I was hunting FUCKING DINOSAURS SHOOTING THEM IN THE NECK AND EXPLODING THEIR FUCKING HEAD WITH A CEREBERAL BORE. I am sure though you were having fun being historically and realistically correct. If thats for you have fun with the billion games that are trying to be realistic I however will be doing something I want and thats flying through space finding new worlds and new races and then shooting the shit out of them.

Mike - Portal Gun (Portal, Xbox 360)
Even though this isn't really an FPS game, it's just in the FPS point of view, it had to be mentioned. As cool as teleporting is, warp portals are so much better. The things you could do in this game were mind-blowing, and this was in heavily restricted, very linear levels. Just picture what you could do with a portal gun in an actual FPS game. Soldiers with guns rushing towards you? How about a portal on the ground in front of them and the other portal on a skyscraper 500 feet overhead. Locked door? Smash a window and shoot a portal on a wall inside the building - presto, you're in. Portal is the most innovative FPS feature in ages because it forces you to think in a truly 3D sense. Not just in the sense that "Okay I'm on the ground and I have to aim my gun UP and sideways at the same time to shoot something in the air", but in the sense that you have to actually learn to look at things not just from your current position and perspective, but also from high above you, below you, in another room entirely, etc. It's a revolutionary idea and seems like a great indicator of things to come.


#1
Dale - Dual Wield (Golden Eye)
Everyone knows Golden Eye is the grand daddy of all FPS we all cut our teeth on this game with the 4 person split screen. The game was amazing on many levels wether its the characters the guns the levels whatever. For me there was one thing that ruled above all. Thats shooting two guns at once. "Gee this shooting someone with a gun is pretty fucking rad how could it ever be better oh i know shooting this dude with TWO GUNS." Two dostovels, please, try beating that its like being a modern german dirty hairy.

Mike - Reviewable Matches (Halo 3, Xbox 360)
How do you know something is innovative? When you experience it once and then from that point on you wish every other game in existence had that same feature. That's innovative, and that's how amazing the match review feature in Halo 3 is. The ability to re-watch your matches is such an obvious feature, it's insane that it hasn't shown up until now. I do remember seeing it in a Tekken game, but when there's only 2 characters there's not much point re-watching it since you already saw it all. But when there's two whole teams fighting it's super fun just watching all the chaos and carnage.

Which leads me to the second awesome sub-feature - free-roaming camera. The ability to switch your camera to any player's perspective - or just to have it floating freely on the battlefield, watching everything - is RIDICULOUS. You can see exactly what someone did to reach a ledge you thought was unreachable, you can watch through someone's eyes and guess what they were thinking as they played, or you can just enjoy a good match a thousand different ways. It's like how when DVDs came out everyone was crowing about how movies would have scenes shot from different angles. Yeah that never happened. But Halo 3 did and the ability to be an omniscient voyeur is tremendous.

Now if only you could use this completely controllable camera to grab memorable or hilarious screenshots or video clips. Man that sure would be a fun feature and it sure would be OH WAIT THAT'S RIGHT YOU CAN DO THIS. You can screengrab, you can capture video, you can do it all from multiple angles or from anyone's point of view or from the sky or ground or inside a bunker...it's amazing. And because Bungie are a team of geniuses (genii) they made these all uploadable to their website where you can download them and show them off. Now when you shoot your rocket launcher at a pylon and send it flying skyward, killing someone leaping overhead, you can save that special moment for posterity and show it off to all your friends who totally don't care. That's the sign of brilliant innovation.

No more you tube for me

http://gizmodo.com/5021838/youtube-forced-to-reveal-username-and-ip-address-of-every-video-watched

A friend passed along along an article to me that said basically if you watch videos on youtube.com your username and IP address will be collected into a Viacom database. Now I don't know how reputable of a source gizmodo.com is because I am not familiar with it. I'm not even telling you to stop using youtube. I'm not even going to try to tell mike to stop using youtube because I doubt anything will ever come of this. I am just telling you I am not using it and I am taking down my links on here from past posts.

I am already annoyed with youtube. I am annoyed that I can never find anything besides shitty fan made trailers and pictures with music in the back ground or shitty people talking about their impressions or opinions of this or that. On a side note there is a reason that people have to take speech and body movement training before you are allowed to see their face or hear their voice in any professional or semi-professional aspect. Youtube is full of mumbling stiff people talking about shit I don't care about. I understand people do care because people are getting famous for this annoying stuff.

I also realize that there are gems amongst the filth. I found such goodens as awkward pictures which is a heaping helping of fucking funny. I realize that this genuine source of gut ache is worth your time but I also want to remind you how long it takes for you to find what you want... actually scratch that go on youtube with something in mind count how many videos you have to sift through before you find what you want. Yeah its getting more and more.

I am going to stop using Youtube and I am going to stop linking to youtube. No I don't fear Viacom or some evil fat man in a pinstriped suit smoking cigars and dialing up his little database and finding out that I watch the baltimore club remix of Chapelle's Fuck yo couch and the trailer park boys' peanut butter and jam about 8 times a day each. There are official channels on youtube that are completely legal and are no more than simple marketing. But Universal Pictures and Akward Pictures and anything else that is officially backed also has a website somewhere that you can just as easily find.

Use Youtube don't use Youtube make your decision on your own time just remember next time you accidentally click on a video you think is something else and end up watching some sixteen year old slut dance like a hoore not only do you have to deal with the frustration and annoyance of trying to find the right video but you also know that someone knows you watched that video and thinks you did it on purpose.