Open letter to the army

Hey guys a friend just blew my mind. He told me that some people believe you are secretly training the young gamer males with First Person Shooter games. Let me be the first to tell you that this is fucking awesome. I mean I thought I was just working on my gamer score and trying to unlock new camo patterns on COD4 but knowing this can be used in real life is the best thing since the red dot scope.

Now I know you guys have been trying to dehumanize war violence for years so that I will actually shoot my gun at other humans. This is awesome I read somewhere that in WW2 people only shot their gun 35% of the time when faced with a soldier of the opposite side. I think you will be very proud to know that I am at a 100% fire rate actually I'm even better than that I shoot all the time. I shoot garbage cans, lights, signs even garbage laying around the levels. Also I am a crack shoot with genitals. I have been practicing my sniper training for a while now and let me tell you I can totally camp out for half a match just for one good dick shot. Shooting some asshole in his garbage totally makes waiting FIVE WHOLE MINUTES worth ever second.

I am pretty fucking excited about joining you guys in the army you should know i am A-1-A at pwning noobs. I am totally not racist either I will totally kill anyone you want me too no matter what color. The only thing I am worried about in this respect is how does a turbin affect a head shot. I mean I want to look like a Pimp as much as the next guy so if it messes with my stats I could just as easily go for neck or heart shots.

Naturally I want to be patriotic and help you guys get your oil or whatever the fuck your over there for but I have a few questions about the war fare.

1. Are the helicopters hard to fly? I know when I am running through the jungle and I find the helicopter in the game I usually have a pretty rough take off. I used to crash all the time. I got the hang of it so now I only crash like once ever 4 times I take off. Also while were on vehicles you know how in Halo you could use the scorpion tank and shoot the turret with the left trigger but then in halo 3 you had to have a separate person use the turret and you couldn't control it that was ghey what are your tanks like.

2. How high am I going to be able to jump from without hurting myself? I've noticed in some of my training that different games have different heights before you get hurt. Like In Halo it seems like it never hurts you at all but in turok I died all the time. No problem if its either way I just got to know before hand if I am going to go scouting for good sniping spots.

3. Speaking of secret development how good are you guns? Now I'm not going to be naive here I know you wouldn't have me use a chain-saw gun if it didn't exist in real life. Like Why would you make us do useless training that would almost be a waste of time. Come on don't think I'm stupid I know you can't have a gun like in portal thats ridiculous that wasn't even a shooter was it was it a puzzle game. You wouldn't train us with puzzle games that stupid. Also in this respect what about grenades do you have the full gambit like incendiary, fragment, shock, stun, flair, ice, plasma, poison, trigger and gravity grenades I can understand if you don't want to give me something like the gravity grenade right away but I am expecting at least a poison grenade at first because I want to fight racism by turning people into the same race.... Green hahahaha get it.

4. Does some of my training carry over? I know in the games I have been playing I always have to start over but I imagine with this giant government conspiracy thing you guys have been tracking my gamer score and I should recieve my gear based on this. If that fag steve down the street gets the same shit as me even though my I have twice as many achievements I am going to shit my pants all over the place.

5. Are our mission predetermined? Do we just get orders or is it sort of a non linear sandbox system. I find that according to message boards this style of combat is a lot more popular. I mean I don't mind on track shooting and such but its way funner to just go off to the side and shoot the fuck out of some mirrors in an abandoned building. Don't get me wrong I totally will still kill whoever but its just to tempting to go destroy shit. Also If I am finding one objective too hard can I just quit and go do an easier one. I mean I don't want to throw threats around but I get pretty frustrated if I am forced to do something repeatedly and I keep dying.

6. How many lives do I get? I understand this is real life so it can't be as easy as i die and start at the checkpoint. I know you guys will have to figure out cybernetic bodies or even just download my conscience into a chip and put it into a clone. Like on rogue soldier it wasn't very popular but damn is that a good idea especially if I find other dead people and take their chips and put it in my weapons and shit. Except steve that guys a fag. I would totally just leave his dead body to rot and get raped by animals.

7. Can I customize mah shit? I know you guys being the army and all are pretty straight back but I honestly kill more people with rad designs on my guns. I don't know what it is but when I am able to change my shit and make it looks cooler I totally get waaaay more kills. I'm not talking like in army of two thats ridiculous I wouldn't want everyone paying attention to me because I have a gold and diamond rocket launcher. Juliano said it looks like a trombone anyway. I don't want to be a band nerd I want like cherry red and flames and shit. Skulls are pretty dope too and intimidating. If you have a skull painted on your shit people know not to fuck with you... just like the punisher I bet no-one tells him he needs camo.

8. What are the rations like? I know you can't please everyone but I put my vote in for Hawaiian Pizza pops. Steve like pepperoni but he's a fag anyway. We should totally just get Hawaiian ones even though they are a bit harder to find it's totally worth the effort.

9. Really what are melee attacks like out there? Is it like a but end that doesn't quite kill someone or is it just a knife that is instant kill because I gotta tell you that might be a good thing to know. If I'm in flank position and I am totally running up on a sniper (which I do all the time because I am totally BA) do I just hit him once and he's dead or do I have to like circle and tag that bitch a bunch of times. Also does it make a difference if its in his back or side or front. You guys should totally put finishers in there. Like mortal kombat ones hahaha that would impress all the ladies if I just ripped some noobs head right off.

Ok I don't want to be a chatty cathy or some lurker creep and take up all your time those are just some of the questions I have right now that I can think of off the top of my head. Just know that I am game. This will show my fag dad for not buying me a car for my birthday. He'll be so proud when I am saving the world from that mysterious culture I am too ignorant to learn about.

-signed mardahnoobinatorhitlah