Yesterday my brother and I decided to level up one of my lower-level characters in WOW, so he could get the next rank of the Enchanting profession which would help us all. We figured that my brother's higher level character (level 47 or something like that) could just accompany my level 22 mage into a low-level area, slaughter everything around, and my mage could finish a billion quests in 10 minutes. Well things didn't work out quite so smoothly.
We went to an area called Tarren Mill and I picked up about ten quests, which were all "go kill X of this thing" or "get X of this item" which you could only get by killing certain things. So we headed into the field looking to kill gray bears, mountain lions, farmers, peasants, spiders, councilmen, a blacksmith, blacksmith's assistants, a sheriff, and a miner. Basically everything that moved. Since we are in the same house we didn't have to text chat or voice chat to communicate, we just yelled back and forth from adjacent rooms.
Well what we quickly discovered is that since my brother's paladin was so much higher level than the area is meant for, the enemies would ignore him as he ran by. However, since I was low level they had no trouble seeing me and would start chewing my face off as I tried to follow him.
What this meant was about every thirty seconds it was like:
"Bear!"
"Spider!
"Bear!! Help!"
"BEAR!"
"GRAY BEAR!"
"VICIOUS GRAY BEAR!!"
I died about a dozen times, but eventually we finished up and headed back to town with a pile of bear claws, spider venom, HUMAN SKULLS FROM FARMERS/PEASANTS, and a shipment of iron.
Then my brother went up to get a drink and our dad says "Tell him to shut up about those stupid bears!"
BEARS
Two Worlds Brain Punch pt 3
In fond cajoled loving never be the same again memory of The Best Horse I ever knew for 3 hours and 23 minutes
Spotty Mc Radson was a brave and valorful soul. I will miss him and our adventures.
Whether it was a magical ride along the beach to the end of the world, his running fearlessly down the face of a cliff or just standing out of the range of my axe while I killed zombie sea bandits Spotty was the fucking raddest horse ever.
Even though in our time together I was frustrated that spotty wouldn't walk in a straight line and turned by himself. I still loved him. Even though we were stuck on a mountain together for a large portion of that 3 hours and 23 minutes and I actually tried to kill him.. TWICE. I still loved him. He was so good to me I found out my axes would not hurt him that day. When I finally got fed up with the mountain and jumped down the cliff taking a third of life bar damage from the fall he was right there with me. Sure I had to whistle for him and then kinda run up the base of the cliff a bit and keep whistling for five minutes but he never let me down.
Whenever I would hop off old spotty and destroy a bandit camp he would wait for me. He would stand sniffing at the fresh meadow grass and let the wind caress his well defined muscular body while I would relentlessly murder heathen bandits with double axe smashes to the face and then pick over the charred remains taking their gold and any valuables. One time I thought he had had enough and gotten frightened. I was fighting a grizzly bear and 7 wolves and when i was done ripping off their claws and carving out their hearts he was seemingly no where to be found. I looked around panic rising in my heart, with my eyes going moist and a ball in my throat I was just about to break down in a wild whistling frenzy when I saw the most beautiful sight. Mc Radson's ass sticking out of a bush. Aparently he had run and hid. That well muscular horse ass with the sheen of a days ride upon it was a sight for wanting eyes.
Since Me and spotty had riddin to the end of the world and back north I patted his neck and told him we would head south to find us a rock dragon. Making plans to slay the dragon and chuckle to ourselves as we rifled through the corpse me and spotty were ambushed. Wyverns a whole pack of those filthy fucking bastards pincered us in some form of high intelligent goddamn world war 2 zero fighter move. I hoped off and patted spotty's firm ass and told him to go out of attack range whilst I was to be dealing with the vermin. As he turned I saw a giant gash in his side that he in his strong willed ignorant valor had hidden from me. The wyverns were upon us born of claw and tooth they sent Mc Radson out the way they came. In a fury I killed all of them without notice to the harm they inflicted to my new shiny plate mail. I am ashamed to admit that in my rage I cut your flesh Spotty.... like alot. I am also ashamed to admit that after you were vindicated and the bodies of your assasins lye strewn about turning that spring grass crimson with retribution and blood I kind of ate you.
I will always remember the time we spent together Spotty Mc Radson but now your free. Free to run forever, with your glorious body muscles taut as you run slow motion in front of me, strong neck held high holding your glorious majestic face into the wind and as you pass I watch the muscles in your hind quarters churn as they work to move you along.
Run free little one
Shipment
There is one level on COD4 that is the Holy Grail of levels, and that level is Shipment. It is a TINY, tiny square map where you can throw a grenade literally from one corner of the map to the other. It seems to be only available in one play mode, Headquarters, and every time it comes up on the screen I rub my hands in sadistic glee because I know that in twenty seconds the murdering will commence.
I have played this map only about 4 or 5 times. The first time I played the level I didn't realize how the normal cautious style of gameplay turns into a furious balls-out chaotic war. The next time I played it was with Dale, and about halfway through the match I had gotten two airstrikes and three choppers.
Dale: "HOLY SHIT DUDE do you know what your score is?"
Me: "No, I haven't checked." (and didn't check then)
Then after the match I freaked out when I saw I had 113 kills and around 65 deaths. In comparison the next highest person on our team had 80 and the highest guy on the other team had 80. Now when we do Shipment anything less than 100 kills is a disappointment. Also a Shipment match always means the last game of the night for me, because I know that I won't do anywhere near as good on the next level.
Shipment Class:
Shotgun (the 2nd one), red dot sight (why not) and whatever color
3x Frags
Stopping Power
Martyrdom
In my most recent match I had 100 kills and 52 deaths, and I had actually forgotten to put on 3x frags (instead I had 2x RPG which was used a grand total of zero times.) So I suppose you could go with the grip attachment for the shotgun instead of 3x frag and still do fine.
One of the only things I prefer about Halo 3 over COD4 is how in Halo 3 you can see a kill map on the website after a match and see exactly where you killed someone. Well I have made my own kill map for Shipment, for this match.
Two Worlds Brain Punch Pt2
Did I ever tell you about the time I killed ten Wyverns in bare feet. How bout the time I sacked 5 Sea Bandit camps naked.
After crushing another necromancer tower I find that they still do nothing. Although the view point from the top being so high that when you jump of the side you die before you hit the ground is pretty breathtaking these towers seem to serve no purpose. I had speculated that they would be like warp points but alas as it stands they are just black phalic towers to peer from.
After this empty victory (I didn't get any good items either) I decided that maybe it was time to do some soul searching. Maybed the old mercenary aught to take a break figure out whats the real meaning of this tedium. So spotty my new horse who I have actually managed to not kill by accident for about an hour of gameplay took some us time. We went for a magical light canter along the beach of the ocean.
Off shore I notice a little island and the item hunter takes over again. Maybe there is a good item over there well lets go check it out. So I park Ol spotty on the beach and start to head out on my swim... and drown I forgot I was wearing the boots that you can't swim in. No problem come to life at the nearest giant stone ankh Check the old inventory to just equip my old boots aaaaaand they're gone. I have this bad habbit of being neat with my inventory with RPGs and constantly constantly sell, trade or just drop shit I actually need all sacrificed for order and not reading through a thousand different items. No prob i will just equip nothing.
As I am swimming for about six days staring at my characters bare feet bobbing through the water I realize that when you unequip something that part of you is naked. Damn first chance I get I am getting naked... I wonder if there's wang in this game. Back to the island that is quickly approached I start to notice that the island is covered in 10 wyverns. (its a small island). Yeah I am not getting naked untill I kill these bastards. I am still bitter at how big a pain in the ass these a-holes were at the start of the game and now even though i do have two axes that do a combined damage of 1993 as apposed to the flacid penis-ish 230 damage i did when my resentment to these creatures began they were still a pain in the ass when they swarmed. Even with just barefeet I had to keep running and curing. As soon as the last one was dead though insta naked. No wang though just a little fur skirt. Also another dissapointment there was no item on the island. No item + no wang = complete dissapointment.
After I got back to the main land me and spotty resumed our northern trek up the beach were we ran into those guys from the pirates of the caribbean movies the sea pirates that were half sea creatures or whatever. Nothing and I mean nothing gets a man over his little emo whats it all mean dark little soul searching funk thank killing shit naked. So I ran around the beach Killing Sea Bandits by the campload naked and chuckling and tossing out one liners along with my twirling fire and spirit axe killery. I had gotten through 5 camps and roughly 28 foes when my naked ness turned into a problem.
For Some reason this camp was full of zombies. If theres anything scarier than fighting zombies its fighting zombies naked. Could you imagine how scary that movie down of the dead was if the characters were naked... Although that would be pretty hot... (mental note google sarah polly) It would be scary as fuck.
The hilarity factor of being naked was waning to tedium because like wyverns zombies swarm and do poison damage. So with the scale of tedium and hilarity leaning to far towards annoying curing all the time I threw back on all the armor. And wiped out another camp.
As I mounted trusty spotty once again I thought about the meaning of my adventures thus far and realized the true meaning of it all.
Kill shit naked its rad,
Two Worlds Brain Punch pt 1
I am just over 11 hrs of play time into Two Worlds and I don't see myself finishing anytime soon so I started doing what anyone would do in a sandbox RPG fucking around. I am going to give you sort of an abriged journal entry-esque could I be anymore vague type thing on my adventures. I say abriged and journal type because I am not going to bore you with an overly detailed recap on my progress and the plot line of the game because that to me would be kindof like plagerism... Well that and the game is gigantic and I am too fucking lazy.
Basically up untill now it has been pretty straight forward I ride into a town solve everyones shit problems and get some gold and delicious goodies and items. The ingredients I pick up for the alchemy part of the game I cook haphazardly including metals and all my shitty herbs without paying attention or renaming any of the potions as a result. Funny though I found out that your not supposed to mix permanent items with temporary items but don't worry I wont get into that later--at all its fucking boring to do and even more boring to write about.
So that brings me to where I am in the game basically I am just at the best point in any rpg. I understand the gameplay basic story whats going and all that shit. I have some kick ass weapons and am strong enough that not ever fight is me getting shit stomped and crying all over my blood soaked dead body. Actually I am handing out a few shit stompings personally to whomever or whatever I feel like. I am at the point in the game where the thiefs in the forest know not to fuck with me... I kill them anyway as my character chuckles to himself swinging his two axes around hilt to hilt like a giant douche churning baddie bull dozer.
I was handing this out left right and centre untill I found the Rams cave. Ps there are a tonne of random caves in this game named afer animals but YOU WASTE MY TIME... do you know the goats cave. So like in this here Rams Cave there are these things with no heads and they do jumping brain punches that kill you instantly. Even though my body armour all combined is a fuck of alot and it has spikes it's still one punch death. The Ogre's used to do that but that was when I was little bitch in my leather armor so that didn't count. This Rams cave is full of good shit more gold sharper weapons and pointier armour. Oh and those no head guys you kill them and eat thier heart and it boosts your stats which is awesome.
Also in the cave is our little friend pictured above. He however had a head and a bunch of horns sticking out. In his natural wooded environment you can see the monster "demon" mid brain punch. With these fellows though you eat their eyes not their hearts.
After I am done with the rams cave I am running straight north on my skeleton horse. I got the after I found a random tower full of necromancers who are extremely week if you eat a zombie thyroid and become immune to poison. Anyways back to going North I find a "forgotten settlement" and my interest piques and my greedy little hands clam up with anticipation. Forgotten or hidden or all those other words along with a town, city or settlement always mean bitchin items in video game land. So I go through the town... No quests alright lets see whats there break into house try to break open lock box... WASTE ALL MY LOCK PICKS NO OPEN... Dammit I guess I could talk to the people milling about they run away screaming for me to get away from them... This little fucking fogotten settlement is turning into a glaring dissapointment. I finally chase a guy down and talk to him "Get out of here. Tell no-one about this place it must remain secret. If you stay here your doomed." Well thats a good idea I guess it is forgotten and you want to remain a secret and a wise old man once told me the best way to keep a secret is to KILL EVERYONE MOTHER FUCKING CUNT BAG IN THIS SHIT HUT TOWN NO ONE IS SPARED NOT EVEN THE GODDAMN CHICKENS THATS RIGHT I EVEN KILLED THE CHICKENS.
What does my character say to this. No moral dilema he just chuckles and says "Thats what you get you dog" Yeah mother fucker that IS what you get. WHO'S KEEPING SECRETS NOW BITCH HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Super Smash Brothers Brawl
Aww shit and my news years resolution was to stop button mashing... Seriously you know a game is a piece of shit when your friend's girlfriend's victory trash talk is "You know my skill I just hit every button at once". Actually this game is not a piece of shit its just infuriating. You will love this game for some reason and want to rip your dick off and beat yourself in the face with the bloody stump untill you forhead caves in and you die of the others heres a list:
good: the addition of wario
bad: the removal of mario's spin punch and the addition of his sunshine squirt gun that is so hard to actually use i never hit anyone with it to actually see what it does
good: running people over with warios yellow motorbike
bad: uhh where is captain falcon does he unlock later?
good: after your friends get pissed at you for over use of wario and his motorbike you switch to yoshi and do the same thing with his egg
bad: how the fuck do i take peoples powers with that penguin guy don't i just hit down
good: the addition of kid icarus
bad: no one knows who the fuck kid icarus is
good: kid icarus is a pretty good character
bad: ok we get it kid icarus is fucking good use someone else
good: you can take your metroid suit off and change characters mid fight
bad: how the fuck do i put my metroid suit back on
good: hahaha ice climbers are in this game too
bad: actually trying to beat anyone with ice climbers
good: there is no movement required for this game
bad: trying to use grab without dropping your controller
good: there are finishers that are rad for some characters
bad: there are finishers that are rad for SOME characters and shitty for the others
good: half the characters are way better than the other ones
bad: all the funny characters are pieces of shit
good: actually beating someone with a joke character like kirby entitles you to brag forever
bad: you stole my super bash fucker
bad: and now i'm dead
bad: why can't i just have that
bad: why do you always get it
bad: oh fuck your girlfriend beat us again
bad: SHE'S USING PIKACHU
BAD: STOP LETTING HER USE THE SUPER BASH
BAD: SHE GOT IT AGAIN THATS 8 TIMES IN ONE MATCH
BAD: FUCK FUCK FUCK
BAD: FUCK FUCK FUCK
BAD: I QUIT
FPS-Doug
Ok I talked about my alltime favorite internet meme last post. Now I want to talk about my current infatuation internet meme. FPS-Doug, The reason i never heard of this before was probably because i never played counterstrike. Actually correction i played it once.
About a thousand years ago when i was still in college and some managing to not let my video game addiction run my life I was playing Zelda Okarana of time (the same year it came out) you do the math). Anyway i had a friend in college who played counterstrike and i never knew what it was. It's just like golden eye he told me and g-dang if i didn't like me some golden eye so i went to his house to try the game GOT SUPER FUCKING SCHOOLED and never played again. That is my history with counterstrike.
So I was just going to watch FPS-Doug boom-headshot videos at work and leave it at that and not bother anyone else. But today about ten minutes ago magic happened I watched this video
ps this album actually came out the same year i tried counterstrike weird huh
Fable 2 new announcement
Just released is a new character sketch for fable 2 aparently in this one you can be either good evil or a clown
well maybe not but what the hell else am i supposed to do when i wait also now that we have a clown tag expect more of this... you've been warned
JUST FUCKING COME OUT FABLE 2 GODAMN IT I'M SO ALONE
I'm in yer base killing yer doodz
Last Night me an mike were playing the new levels on COD4. We were in creek... you know that giant giant level that for some reason the other team always sees you and snipes you. Aaaaanyway we were half playing the level half exploring looking for funny places to snipe. I was in the outhouse trying to snipe someone through the hole in the back of it. In the game I have a certain game I play with my self. In my mind I can't really call a spot my own in the game until I mark my territory by killing someone from on top of it. When a new level starts I like to get some good snipes before I get into the match and care about my score kind of an lol warmup. ie if the match is in downpour I gotta get me some dumpster snipez. Once i see someone through the bottom door to the house trying to catch some noobs through the window lay go to work after that i get over it and move on with the match. What the hell was I talking about that for... right thats why i was in the out house on creek. Side note I STILL HAVENT GOTTEN A TOILLETTE SNIPE EFF BOMB SHAT TASTIC. Well now that we know what I was doing in the outhouse me and mike were talking or was it mike and i were talking aaaaaaaaaaanyway I was explaining how if i knew anything about writing music i would cover the black sabbath song Supernaut but change the words to sniper-naut and it would be my theme song for COD4 because even though i might not be the best sniper thats my weapon of choice. I get added delight because people bitch about camping snipers while frothing at the mouth. If you piss off a fellow gamer by killing them well then thats a good job done. Fuck i'm rambling. I went further on to explain that a sniper naut would be like the juggernaut except instead of girth and power it would be replaced by skillz (yeah with a z) and handsomeness (it is my themesong afterall). While I was explaining all of this over the head set while standing in the shitter waiting for baddies that never came he asked me "Where are you anyway" for some reason without really thinking about it i replied "I'm in yer base killing yer doodz" Which just happens to be my favorite anime meme of all time because of all the off shoots of hilarity. I got re-obsessed with it to the point where instead of doing work (which is where i am writing this) i had to make another picture in the vain of this meme. I know its out of date and I know how you probably all got sick of it two years ago but the only thing i have to ask is: COME ON SICK OF HILARITY? HOW?
ps i did in fact ramble through this whole post just so i could put that un game related picture up
COD 4 New Maps, and new patch
Well everyone out there as you all know there are new COD 4 maps. I'm not going to talk about that.... at all... because if i do it will just be me swearing how i don't know the levels and i got murdered a million times because apparently everyone immediately was better at them then me... but i digress the reason for my post. The New Patch
Well as anyone who knows friday saw a new patch implemented so you could play the new multiplayer maps. As many of you also know that X-Box Live was so busy that it pretty much broke for half the day. After it was back up you had to get that patch and those 400 plus mega bytes of new level killing goodness (killing of me that is).
Some of you weren't aware though the new patch was a sort of trojan horse because there was a lot of add ons that people were not really aware of and here is a list of the ones i discovered.
1. If you get a Helicopter for killing seven people and you kill a further 8 people while your helicopter is out to get the 15 kill streak prompt and you scream into your head set "HOLLAH-COPTER" in your best rap voice you will automatically get a 1000 exp. because its a new hidden perk.
2. a.Also if you start bitching about juggernaut and crying about how you can't kill someone because they have the juggernaut perk on well then you loose a billion points and a secret email is sent out and anytime any one googles your name in the future the number one search result will read "... has a small penis" don't worry girls your not left out if a girl bitches about this the result will instead read "...has a wide vagina"
b. as an added bonus if you mock other players constantly with the semi popular internet meme "i'm the juggernaut BITCH" if this is confirmed for 5 times you will unlock the juggernaut as a playable character who sadly has no primary weapon just a giant face punch that instantly kills anyone ten feet infront of you INCLUDING MULTIPLE ENEMIES. he still get a pistol as a sidearm but just looks like a bitch so it is not recomended
3. Noob toobing has been strictly applauded and encouraged on one condition. You admit it is annoying and laugh maniacally while doing it. If you do this and once the match ends you taunt the other team in the lobby making fun of how mad they get when you slaughter them cheaply you will get 500 exp. bonus
4. In a cross promotion with American idol singing while in a match will have two results if other people join in and its deemed in jest and a good time you will receive a $.50 coupon for the online american idol store if you are deemed to be an annoying piece of shit thats just making noise because your mind is broken and everyone hates you because you armpits smell like dog shit and your face scares woodland creatures. Simon the actual simon from the show will drive to you house call you a piece of shit with no talent and kick you in the balls repeatedly... like worse than a ufc fight before they banned nut punches
5. if you change your clan tag to "bnsw" your awesome.
FOUND: Lost Vikings
The Warcraft series is unquestionably Blizzard's most well-known franchise, though the Starcraft and Diablo names are certainly no slouches. But not many would remember some of their older titles, like The Lost Vikings. (Hell, they weren't even called Blizzard back in 1992 when it was released.) It was a great game, there were three vikings (possibly brothers, I don't remember) who were somehow lost in time and had to navigate these puzzle-based levels to find their way home. What made the game fun was that you controlled all three, but only one at a time, and each had their own skills that you had to use to get around the levels.
• Olaf the Stout had a shield that could block everything from arrows to laser beams, and could use it to slowly float down when falling. Also, I think he could hold the shield up so others could walk on it.
• Erik the Swift was fast and was the only Viking who could run and jump, and he could also headbutt enemies or walls
• Baleog the Fierce had a bow and sword and could kill enemies or use the bow to hit faraway switches.
It was a fun game and a nice twist on traditional puzzle/platform games. Blizzard actually has a playable demo on their site of the Game Boy Advance version. This should be checked out, if for nothing else than the awesome guitar riff at the title screen.
Fast forward to 2008. I'm playing World of Warcraft and poking around these ancient dwarven ruins killing cavemen and giant bats. Tucked away in a corner of the dungeon I find...you guessed it...Olaf, Erik and Baleog.
I play a Horde character, who is enemies with humans and dwarves, so they were enemies to me. I'm not sure if they would be friendly for the human side. But anyways, I fought them and it was true to the old game - Erik had some kind of speed ability where he'd zip around everywhere, Baleog shot arrows, and Olaf had a giant shield and would shield bash you. The dropped suitable treasure as well, such as a shield that would slow your fall and a helmet that let you charge at people and stun them. Definitely one of the best moments in WoW that I've encountered.
The Revenge
The background: See "the run over" below.
The setting: Dale and Mike are playing co-op campaign mode in Halo 3, Dale as Master Chief, Mike as the Arbiter or whatever (the alien dude).
We're playing through a level which takes place on this weird spaceship crash site which happens to be on the edge of a huge cliff. I had been using the energy sword but had just ditched it in favor of the Mega Smash Hammer. We're stuck and can't figure out where to go so Dale tries to jump up to what looks like a path, only to slide down the rubble and plummet over the cliff edge. To our surprise, he survives because he lands on this tiny, thin metal rail sticking out of the wall like 50 feet down.
Dale: "HOLY SHIT LOOK WHERE I AM!!"
Mike: (drops down silently behind Dale)
The rest pretty much speaks for itself. (click pics for higher-res images)
As funny as this was (and it was damn funny) it got even better. Apparently Halo 3 respawns you in co-op mode next to your partner. Which is normally fine, but in this case Dale ended up materializing next to me...which was 5 feet to the side and in mid-air. So he would respawn and immediately again fall to his death. Just awesome.
